Relationship Tips!

 

The content below is not aimed at anyone, nor is it based on any real life incidents. The few events and happenings mentioned are from the imagination of the writer, and is not intended to hurt anyone, whether you are in a relationship or not. I am not a relationship expert by any stretch of the imagination. It is solely for fun.

Phase 1:

This is the phase where you have a big crush on one of your classmates or college mates. But you don’t know how to approach him/her. First, you have to find out whether the person you have a crush on is committed or not. That’s why we have public forums like orkut.

Tip 1:

But there is a catch. Often people (boys especially) put their relationship status as committed, just to draw attention. So, for boys, single=single, committed=single. If you make the mistake of asking a boy, why he has put relationship status as committed, you will probably get some smart-ass answer like, “I am committed to my bike.” “I am committed to my studies.” To which I say,” Please, go and make love to them.” Only when the boy has given no answer in his relationship status line, it means he is committed, but probably doesn’t want flaunt it. But with girls the rules are different, single=committed, committed=committed, no answer=committed. Yeah, they are all committed; it’s a bit tricky.

Tip 2:

If you are dumb to figure this all out, browse through their communities in orkut. If she is in any sports community, you can be pretty sure that she has a boyfriend and he loves that particular sport. If the boy is in any “I am single” community, he has been hurt before, but he IS single now.

Tip 3:

If you are brave enough to approach him/her, and talk to him, it’s much easier. But wait, you can’t ask someone who you barely know personal questions. But here is another tip, and it works both ways. No matter how serious the question is, you can make it less intense by simply adding “lol” or “he he” at the end. Examples….

“I thought X was your gay partner…lol…”

“I think you are in love…he he…”

Tip 4:

If you’re still too dumb to figure this out, you are probably brain dead. But, there is another way. Observe them for a few days. If their mobiles are an integral part of their hand, then it’s bye-bye to your crush.

Tip 5:

After you have got to talking, make sure that you tell them how much you LIKE them. Let’s be clear on this one. Subtle hints don’t work, strong hints don’t work, and obvious hints don’t work. Just say it. And when a girl says, “I don’t want to be any relationship ever again.” Don’t fret. It’s a good sign. It’s just like the 60-km winds that blow just before the big storm. And hopefully, that storm might be you.

Phase 2:

This is the phase where you have learnt that your crush is single and you are both in a committed relationship. If your crush is committed, don’t worry, there are always sadistic bitches and dogs, who are ever looking for an opportunity to break up a relationship by calling the girl’s house and telling fairy tales about the girl.

Tip 1:

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first 3-4 months you were going out. Please get over it. And quit whining to your friends. Don’t believe anyone who says,”It’s been a year now, and it’s still like the first few months.” He/she is either lying his/her ass off, or err… no, they are just plain liars. And also sometimes, you are not thinking about each other. Learn to live with it.

Tip 2:

If your hear a lot of your boyfriend’s friend, chances are that poor soul is your guy’s favourite scapegoat. If you observe carefully, the friend is the one who is always doing evil things, and your boyfriend ends up saving the day. Similarly, if you hear about your girlfriend’s friend for the first time, chances are that girl is extremely beautiful, and she didn’t want you to know about her.

Tip 3:

If your boyfriend’s hands are rough like sandpaper, he is probably been treating himself a little too much, if you know what I mean. If the girl’s palms are too soft, she is the princess of the house, one of those who has never broken a sweat, and does not know where the kitchen is in her own house.

Tip 4:

For the girls: If you want anything to be done, cry. It’s like blackmail. Boys do not respond well to these situations. It leaves them in maelstrom, and eventually they will agree to whatever you say.

For the boys: This is not a two way street. Nothing works this way. Please just do what they say. Or you are gonna be at the wrong end of a child-like tantrum. She is gonna make you feel guilty, switch off her mobile and make your day a living hell.

Tip 5:

As much as possible, please try to leave your friends out of your conversations. They might have done something stupid, but doesn’t give you the liberty to make fun of them. It’s hard enough listening to stories about how you kissed and all that, but on top of that we have to be there to solve your relationship crisis, and be at the receiving end of a sly smirk that tells us that we have done something stupid that your boyfriend/girlfriend told you. I thinks that’s a big ask.

Phase 3:

This the phase where you have just been out of a relationship. Too bad that thing didn’t last long. But, as they say there are many other fish in the sea.

Tip 1:

The concept that failed BIG time is, “Let’s just be friends.” Eventually, you are gonna get back together, and go through the whole crap yet again only to find out that your parents won’t agree to this. And why did you break up in the first place. Err.. Oh yeah, your parents won’t like this.

Tip 2:

If any of your friends says, “Macha, un aal pora da”, search for the biggest and hardest object nearby, and throw it on him. Believe me, they are just gonna do more harm than good. Move on, if you look around, there are plenty of other beautiful girls… no, just plenty of other girls. As for the girl, she has moved on, that she is so far ahead that you are just a tiny dot to her.

Tip 3:

Another concept that failed is, “Keeping her/his stuff”. Because, you are gonna get caught by someone and scolded for being in a relationship that you are not in. Besides, it feels good to tear and break some of that stuff . And while you’re at it, break things that belong to her/him. It feels really good.

Tip 4:

Please don’t say words such as, “I will wait for you forever”, and “We were meant to be”. This is a time for seriousness, not comedy. If you say those words, you should probably be acting in a movie called “Devadhaiya Kandein” and should be far, far away from reality.

Tip 5:

And finally, learn to vent your anger and frustrations. Again, that’s why we conveniently have the “From my past relationships I learnt” column in orkut. It’s there for all to see. Not only do you vent your anger, it also makes a good reading. And what’s more? You feel better. Everyone enjoys it, and that way everyone is the winner.

As already mentioned, this is just for fun and not intended to hurt anyone. Criticize here, not in person or in orkut.

-Harish.G